Why am I here again?

     Add insomnia to my list of ailments. Lots of them self diagnosed, except for one. Infertility. I have proven doctor after doctor correct in this diagnosis. However, my fertility does not define me (this is a mantra I say to myself out loud in the mirror daily. "My fertility does not define me," and "my weight does not define me").
     I tossed and turned all night, and awoke from what little sleep I received with a pounding headache.  I knew I had to do something, but what?  What could make me feel better?  Then my therapist's words came rushing back to me... "When you feel aggitated, write. Journal. It really helps."  It's not like I've never journaled before.  I kept a daily journal for years, but that was of a different time, a different era, and for very different reasons. 
     I was young, beautiful, without a single care in the world.  I had the world at my fingertips, I was organized chaos spinning through a hedonistic life.  I felt that all the wrongs that occured as a child were being righted, and that from here on out, I would never feel suffering again.  I had earned unlimited happiness.  Like I said, a different time, a different era.
     Now I'm almost 37 years old, struggling to keep my head above water as I fight for the one thing I never thought I'd have to live without.  I'm doing my 6th cycle of IVF, and I find out a week from today if this is it,  if my patience, determination, and burning desire pay off.  I'm doing my very best to maintain sanity, to keep busy, to act normal, but all I feel is a burning need to carry, hold, raise, love, and mold our child.
     As a child myself, I didn't know what I wanted to be, who I wanted to be, or what I wanted to create out of my life.  Instead of playing dress up, I'd play Mommy.  As a child of 6 years old I had names picked out for my future children.  I knew how I wanted to raise them, how I wanted to love them, and what I wanted to give them.  A mother.  Yes, that is what I wanted to be when I grew up.
     So here I am, sitting at my computer blogging again.  But this time it's for myself only.  It's an attempted tool to maintain my sanity, to get through, and to possibly find myself again.  There is a life I am missing, that I have lost, so I will attempt to find balance in letting my thoughts and feelings that are locked within stream out through the keyboard.  Ready... Go.