It's a crazy hour of the day called 4:30am, and my house is filled with beautiful, sleeping people. I awoke because I needed to fill my stomach with Ritz crackers and cheese to calm the heartburn, and as my mind would cease to spin, I decided to get up and write. The last week and a half have been surreal, peaceful, and a whirling roller coaster all at the same time. My beta came back at 790, and now I count down the hours until Tuesday when I can see the sac(s) on my first ultrasound.
We've been heading nonstop towards our goal of starting a family, and it's been laced with heartbreak, depression, jealousy, self realization, growth, acceptance, and change. Now I sit here officially pregnant, and I'm euphoric, but also aware that my dream could rumble like a gentle earthquake in many ways. I'm five weeks and 3 days pregnant, which is more pregnant than I've ever been. That alone is a giant milestone, so I am treating my body like a rare, precious feather I found. I'm sleeping when tired, I'm drinking tons of fluids, I'm eating when hungry, and I'm exposing myself to nothing that could harm my precious embryo.
I've been staying relaxed, I've been visualizing the embryo dividing, thriving, living. However, I am a woman who wants this more than anything, and if signs cease that I have it, I become concerned. Wait, my boobs stopped hurting, crap. Wait, I haven't had indigestion in nine hours, why? Why am I having period like back pain? Fudge. Why aren't I exhausted? Piss! Then a symptom returns and I let it wash over me, I place my hand on my abdomen and I say yes, good embryo, thank you.
I've told several people closest to us. I know it's early and they say not to tell until you are out of the woods, but keeping secrets, even one like this, is not how I live my life. I believe your life is rich because of the people who live it with you, because of the love and trust you put out there, you will get showered with love and trust in return, and then you are rich. So my whole life has been lived truthfully and raw amongst the people I love, and this is what gets me through, their endless love, support, excitement, and warmth as I go day to day. So yes, I've told people. It's our first success, and I honestly believe that it's just that, a SUCCESS. So celebrating and talking about it is what I do.
I've met amazing women on this journey of trying to succeed (or conceive), and the other day I sent one of them a flood of messages over Twitter telling her I was scared, euphoric, crazy, why don't my boobs hurt? She calmed me for the millionth time in two weeks, and ended with this. She said, 'relax, stop, and breathe, and realize that right now, at this very moment, you are pregnant and you are happy. Let that take you from moment to moment.' So I've done exactly that, and that's made this new series of waits bearable, and even cherished.
