Tick Tock Tick Tock

     I'm on pins and needles. I have light in my heart and butterflies in my stomach, because I think, yes, I think we may have finally done it. I was ready to give up, and if it weren't for my husband's love, perseverance, and faith that we could do it, I would have already. Allow me to shed some light on our life, so that if or when we get there, you feel like you know us better.


     We've been madly in love for twelve years. This is the kind of love that after I spent twelve hours with the man, I was mapping out our entire future. I was 24 and he was 31, and he was and remains to be the most amazing human being I have ever met. He's smart as can be, but not that smart that shoves it in your face and makes you feel inferior. He's creative. He can turn a normal day into a magical journey, coming up with activities so fun in the shake of a lamb's tail. He's generous. He loves spoiling the people he loves, and he knows people so well that he gives gifts that you didn't even know you wanted, but suddenly can't live without. He's funny. I pee my pants a little on any given day because of the stuff that comes out of his mouth. He's the one person I can spend hour upon hour with, and I still, after twelve years, get sad when he has to go to work. He's my everything.

     Shortly before my 29th birthday, we started actively trying to conceive. I say actively because we never used birth control. The pill makes me a tad nuts, so we said forget it, and decided to throw caution to the wind. I started using ovulation kits, and we'd do the deed then boost my hips up on a pillow. Every month I would be greeted by my period, but neither of us would be too surprised. We then moved onto IUI. No luck. After two cycles of IUI, we moved on to IVF, doing six cycles over two years, while nothing ever resulted in a pregnancy, and here we are.

     Our problems are unexplained. No one knows why we have such a difficult time. Two months ago I had surgery to look for Endometriosis, they found a little and cleaned it up. They also did a D&C, just to refresh my lining. So here we are, on our sixth cycle. Dave said he was willing to try three cycles with our new and improved Reproductive Endocrinologist. I felt tired and heart broken.

     So on Wednesday, which was 11 days past a 3 day embryo transfer, I peed on a stick. I haven't done that since our first cycle, as it can lead to insanity and severe depression. However, something told me to do it, and poof, there was a second, faint line. I have never in my life felt so euphoric. I knew it could be a false positive. I knew any number of things could go wrong. But I let myself feel that happiness, because I thought no matter what, I deserved a day of walking on a cloud.

     So I peed on sticks Thursday and Friday, and the line kept showing up. Finally, on Saturday I bought a digital in the middle of the day. I peed on it. It read YES+. On sunday I did it again, a different test, and it read PREGNANT. So here I am. I just got my blood drawn, and I am insane about knowing the number. I have never been pregnant, I have no clue what the number means, but I know I want to see it. To know I haven't peed on fifteen faulty sticks.

     Just seeing the second line gives me renewed hope. My uterus isn't broken. It still works, so my goal is visible now. This could be it, and I beg that all the good karma I have put into the Universe is going to come back to me. That the dream I've had since I was a little girl may come true. That my husband and I can witness the beauty of the world through a child's eyes. Tick Tock Tick Tock. It's mere hours now. Tick Tock Tick Tock.